she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
