i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
