you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
