my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize