i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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