He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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