apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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