I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
