i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
