I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
