Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
