That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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