wanna go halves on a baby?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
my shit smells like andre
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
