If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
