There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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