I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
