I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize