The police scanner is talking about you again....
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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