Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
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