You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
