Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
