just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
