Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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