yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
