see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
