I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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