All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
my liver is dry heaving
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
