she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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