Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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