I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
