he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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