My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
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