My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
