Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
