my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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