I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
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