You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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