my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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