I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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