I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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