Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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