it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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