He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
In other news, I just burned my penis
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
