When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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