You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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