So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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