Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
