There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
