I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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