Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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