Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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