I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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