my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize