Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
