i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
