Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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