i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
it's not cheating when I paid for it
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
