Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
