My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
