You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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