There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
